The Evolutionaries

Evolutionaries had a very awesome bye-week last week A few of you went out to the bar and repp'd and some of us hung out at other times through out the week. Good player bonding time! So since we didn't really play or practice or accomplish too much, I thought I'd do a bit of a different blog this week on my PERSONAL list of player rankings for our team. This ranking is super official and legit. The rankings can change every week. Or when I feel like it. Just because. They are:

1. Isaac - for obvious reasons. Duh.
2. Dual - because he's our captain and his name just implies that he is number 2.
3. Meece - because she got my husband drunk
4. TJ - because he falls on the ground and it's funny and also I never know WTF he's talking about when he posts on FB.
5. Angela - because she introduced me to kickball and she might be ranked higher if I ever actually saw her at kickball
6. Felix - because I ate his food
7. James - because he can kick good and he retrieved my brat that one time.
8. Amanda - because she's our All Star girl!
9. Kai - because she reminded me of the blog post
10. Jordan - because he gives me manly high fives
11. Gevon - he can pitch
12. Dawn - because she's a girl and we're always in short supply of those
13. Don or Dan or something - because I'm pretty sure he's drunk when he arrives at the field
14. I met some guy named John once.
15. Jeff - because he punched me in the head. Your ranking won't ever change. Sorry.

Oh yeah, I didn't rank myself. I'm beyond being ranked! Also, in honor of George Jones, "the possum" Here's this. A possum that won't ever be kicked  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xBpUHjJguw

The Evolutionaries

So last week the Stepdads got stepped on. A lot. Yeah, yeah it was a forfeit, they didn't have enough girls, yadda yadda, we still managed to tie them 4-4. Evolutionaries strutting our stuff - woo! Ranked #1 and going strong. Jack Booty....whats?? Your record is pathetic. Get ready for it to get pathetic-er next week. That's right. That's a word now.  

We'd also like to welcome Dawn and Gevon to their first game and I'd like to declare Gevon our unofficial MVP of the Stepdad's game, just because I said so. He's got some mad pitching skills and I think you're all likely to see a lot of him up there in front on the mound.
Also. This.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRG6GDSFmjw

BAM!

The O.K. C

Good Day, OKC.
This is THE OKC.

I don't think we have a lot to say today.

We didn't earn that privilege.

In fact, if we beat you by less than 10, we don't let ourselves get sprinkles on our celebratory iced
cream sundaes.

kickBall So hard played us close. Unfortunately for the rest of you, it will likely serve as our wakeup
call. Don't expect for your team to come anywhere near that feat.

This week we face Oh, KC Royals. We don't know a lot about them.. We know we like their Captain.
Good people there. And we know They were hurt by the rain as much as anyone, so they haven't been tested just yet. Yet.

We also hear they are full of soccer players. And we all know what happened the LAST time we hung out with soccer players.


People just can't keep their hands off of our firmly sculpted asses.

We wish you all the luck, Oh, KC Royals.

And to the rest of you... remember that silly bounty. Let it keep you up at night.

And until next time,

If You Are Unafraid, You Are Uninformed.

~THE O.K.C

All-Stars

The Thunder Conference All-Stars 

• Charli Bullard and Chris "Truck" Nixon  (... And Looking to Score)
• Tatianna Proctor and Dylan Davis  (Hoof Hearted?)
• Laronda Johnson and Greg Seal (Jack Booty Thugs)
• Joyce McMillar and Matt Scantlin (Milk Muscles)
• Erin Robinson and Philip Kierl (Thunder Thighs)
• Amanda Satterwhite and Dual Duran (Evolutionaries)
• Leslie Thomas and Oscar Esparza, Jr. (Stepdads)
• Melissa Fanning and Walter Jones (The D.D.'s)
• Casie Edgar and Clayton Raasch (Pink Tacos)
• Lauren Wilburn and Jay Doyle (Kick Tease)
• Molly Raynor and Clayton Drake (Kicks and Giggles)

The Lightning Conference All-Stars

• Kayla Lawson and Manny Calvin (OKC)
• Mallory Waither and Daniel Quintero (Casual Encounters)
• Cacy Bedoka and Latavius Porchia (My Jimmy Burns)
• Lindsay Colley and Rick Clare (It Burns When I Kick)
• Jaklyn Garret and Tad Alford (Wonderkick Amazeballs)
• Brittney Shaw and Tyler Carlson (The Incrediballz)
• Callie Haden and Richard Culmer (OKC Royals)
• Katie Reimer and Justin Webb (Pitches Be Crazy)
• Shauna Hall and Brad Collier (Angry Unicorns)
• Tessa Clinton and Sam Roberts (kickBall So Hard)
• We have ordered a medium and a large shirt  (Slap and Tickle)

Stepdads

Last week the Evolutionaries had their prayers answered as we didn’t get to play a game that counts.  That being said, with a limited number of players on my team we still would have ended in a tie.  Although I do see some good play out of their team, I am sure the Stepdads would be undefeated had we not had a situation come up.

This week the Stepdads shall be taking on the undefeated for two season s and two games,  … And Looking To Score.   Well who cares about all the times they haven’t lost- I only care about the time they will against us.  I have watched them play all of last fall and this season, they haven’t played the top of the conference yet.  So they shall be tested tomorrow night.  

Highlight Player of the Week

Leslie Thomas – I knew about this gem before we signed her this year to the franchise.  To the Stepdads that hadn’t gotten to see her play,  they were all impressed.  Congratulations Leslie on being our All-Star Female.  

Pitches Be Crazy

First off, I don’t know about you but I’m glad we were finally able to get a game in. I’ve been running out of excuses to give on why I won’t be able to attend another weekend practice to hone our kickball skills. There’s a 99.99% chance I’m fighting a hangover, and another 99.99% chance I’m getting ready to fight another. Rain dances? Ain’t nobody got time for all that. However to be fair, I’m quite possibly the reason one of those games got cancelled. A native got to make his money, you know? 

Yes, this might be our first year of kickball. Heck, most of us haven’t even played since the day our gym teacher let us play after that awkward 5th grade dance in the school cafeteria. You know what I’m talking about. Girls on the left, boys on the right. But we have grown since then, hit puberty and now my Pitches were beginning to have blue balls. Webb has been dying to put those new kickball fundamental skills he learned from his midnight YouTube binges to the test. Katie has had some new socks she’s been waiting to drop on the world for such an occasion. Chelsea has been tired of trying to figure out who will show up for practice, instead of guessing who might show up for the game. So we were pleased when we discover Mother Nature was going to fulfill our kicking of balls thirst, rather that Lake Hefner’s dry ass. We brought beer, but mostly penicillin for our match against My Jimmy Burns. 

The word around kickball town is that girl’s don’t usually pitch. We find that strange, and being all into sexual equality and all, we threw Jimmy’s Egg a little wrinkle. We unleashed Kendall. It worked. The first batter was so distracted, that by the time they realized what was going on, they fouled one off into Top 10 history. “Dadadah-dadadaah!” Kup comes flying in from left field. I swear, if dude had a cape, he probably would’ve stayed up for a 1/2 second longer. Stephen had his chance for Top 10 stardom with two outs, but couldn’t fondle Jimmy John’s balls appropriately. Didn’t matter, Jimmy couldn’t score. We started off slow, our first two kickers went down to the screams of our captian yelling, “Should’ve shown up to practice.” Then it was her turn, Chelsea kicked a dribble down the line and beat the throw to first. I haven’t seen Chels hit that type of speed since the last time she was chasing her kids around during our players meeting. She started a two out rally that loaded the bases, but like that one time freshman year, we just couldn’t close the deal. 

Taryn almost cost us Pitches a run in the top of the 3rd. With one out and a man on 2nd, Taryn disregarded Webbs advice of acting like you’ve been there before. She caught a pop up and then displayed all the vented up frustrations that come with teaching children, in one white girl victory dance. Jimmy Eats World’s runner advanced to 3rd, but Sam was rolling that stinky limburger cheese and got us out of the jam. Bottom of 3rd featured the play of the week. Jeremy got on base and as he was advancing around, he showed his athletic prowess as well as is appreciation for alcohol. He avoided the beer can lying on 3rd base, left there by Jimmy Buffet’s 3rd baseman. The kickball gods appreciated the gesture, and then blessed us with a run. 

We took control of the game in the 4th inning. Molly scored two runs, but after touching 1st base, she frolicked through out the outfield instead of going to 2nd. It reminded me of what you would see from a first year, first game ever tee-baller. 

Jimmy Choo Shoes couldn’t keep up and the game was called, 5-1 for my Pitches. We have the Incrediballz up this week. I’m assuming they believe it was beginners luck this week for us, Webb is ready to prove those midnight YouTube showings weren’t for nothing. So, we’ll see you on the grass.

My Pitches be Crazy, and I love it.

Kick Tease

Here is the highly anticipated weekly update from kickball heaven – the team headquarters for Kick Tease.

Glad to finally be back on the field last week, the mighty Kick Tease made short work of the overmatched Hoof Hearted? Spectators commented that the Kick Tease lineup has more good looking people than the red carpet at the Oscars.   While we agree that we have the prettiest lineup in all of kickball, we also believe we have the best lineup top to bottom that has ever been assembled (slight, very slight, exaggeration). 

The flip cup arena turned out to be a major disappointment last week.  Playing without flip cup All-American Cristi, we were dazed, confused, and drunk.  With that said we still held our own and will be looking for revenge this week.

This week’s opponent - Kicks and Wiggles or Shits and Giggles or whatever they call themselves - will suffer the same fate as our first two victims – face down in a ditch, booze in your hair, blood on your lips, holding a picture of Kick Tease wishing that you were us.

Often imitated, never duplicated – Kick Tease

Casual Encounters

kickBall So Hard better watch out for the Angry Unicorns this week. Last week the unicorns suffered a few missed connections thanks to the Casual Encounters, and this week they maybe angrier than ever. Unicorns - apparently when you said you had kicks like Jesus, you were referring to the drunk bum named Jesus that hangs out at the downtown Valero.

This week we will be Casually Encountering the team It Burns When I Kick. Sounds like we may need to bring a cooler full of penicillin rather than beer this week. That being said I would wager that they will need a whole lot more than penicillin to cure their wounded pride when we get done with them.

Sincerely,
SWF seeks Large Group: Must have at least 4 girls and 4 guys and be proficient in making it past first base.

Casual Encounters - watch more funny videos

Kicks and Giggles

Last week Kicks and Giggles met …And Looking To Score. Ya know it’s kinda easy to win when you NEVER MOVE YOUR BACK ROW!!!!  God, it’s obvious …And Looking To Score was a bit over confident and showed signs of not being held enough as a child.

This leave Kicks & Giggles with two options; we could go over to your mama’s and light a small fire in her panties, OR we could turn our focus onto Kick Tease… and since we light small fires daily, we will focus on Kick Tease.

Kick Tease, let me take this opportunity to tell you a little bit about Kicks & Giggles. Kicks & Giggles is a team with a dream! That dream involves a corn-fed harvest mouse, a hooker, a nun, a Flemish peasant woman, whips, chains, whistles yo-yo's, a circus midget, my grandmother riding by on a bicycle giving me the finger, a duck and becoming WORLD CHAMPION KICKBALLERS.  Some say we are crazy for having such a dream, but we didn’t choose the dream, the dream chose us.

Yeah, yeah, yeah I know we haven’t won a game (yet). But with any true ‘underdog’ story, the wins don’t start happening until the training montage has happened. Well guess what! We hit the weights, the juice and we cranked Joe Esposito- You’re the Best Around. We are ready! We are gonna twist off your head and spike it on the floors of a nightmare you can’t even imagine! We will dance with you inside the six-sided ring of fire!

This was good; I think we bonded,
Kicks & Giggles

Hoof Hearted?

Hoof hearted? We did. Right before we took a massive dump on the field.

Last week we had some mishaps. I could tell you right now about how our captain Jamie Robison dropped an easy pop fly to first because he wouldn’t set his beer down and his confidence in his catching ability was much overstated. Or I could tell you about how sweet Allie was so excited about getting to first that she forgot to run to second. I could go on and on, really. But instead, I will just tell you this:

We have found our wheel-house, and it is not playing kickball. Nay, it is drinking beer. We drink beer well and often. When this is combined with kickball, we do not perform what one would call “well.”

This week we play Milk Muscles, and seeing as I am lactose intolerant, I anticipate much more shitting on the field.

Did I mention that we love drinking? Don’t feel bad for us; buy us a beer.

Over and out. Don’t be mad when we cropdust you.

-Hoof hearted?

Pink Tacos

Pink Tacos are kicking balls and taking names…


This week I am going to leave it short and sweet and let this picture speak for itself.

We are numero dos in the Thunder conference.  Our goal this week is to be numero uno in the conference because next week we have to take down one of the biggest hurdles in the conference, Drunk And Looking To Score.  It WILL happen, don’t doubt our determination.  

Dear D.D.’s, 

I promised your lovely captain Jennifer that there would be extra jello shots this week, so I expect everyone to make an appearance; we promise we won’t make you feel too bad about your impending loss. XOXO

P.S. Mother Nature is going down if she can’t figure out this Tuesday weather BS.

OKC

Good Day, OKC.
This is THE OKC.


I don't think we have a lot to say today.

We didn't earn that privilege.

In fact, if we beat you by less than 10, we don't let ourselves get sprinkles on our celebratory iced cream sundaes.

kickBall So hard played us close. Unfortunately for the rest of you, it will likely serve as our wakeup call. Don't expect for your team to come anywhere near that feat.


This week we face Oh, KC Royals. We don't know a lot about them.. We know we like their Captain. Good people there. And we know They were hurt by the rain as much as anyone, so they haven't been tested just yet. Yet.

We also hear they are full of soccer players. And we all know what happened the LAST time we hung out with soccer players.

People just can't keep their hands off of our firmly sculpted asses.



We wish you all the luck, Oh, KC Royals. 



And to the rest of you... remember that silly bounty. Let it keep you up at night.


And until next time,

If You Are Unafraid, You Are Uninformed.


~THE O.K.C

O.K.C

Oh, poor, sweet, naive KickBall So Hard....

You assume that we eat, sleep, breath, and die for kickball?

You just don't understand.

We eat LIFE. We devour it.

People live their whole lives without experiencing an eighth of what we accomplish in a weekend.

You think that we spent the last two weeks brushing up on KICKBALL??That's a joke.The first week a small group of us went heli-skiing in Nepal. On the plane ride home our center fielder made out with Miss Nepal who was on her way to the Miss Universe pageant. Twice. She asked him to call. He won't.

Week 2, all of the ladies went to lunch at a small Cafe owned by Wolfgang Puck in Paris. Erikka showed him that he'd been grinding his nutmeg wrong his whole life. Needless to say, lunch was on him.

My overarching point here, is that if you think that we ONLY play kickball better than you; you would be remiss.

The fact is, we play LIFE better than you.

Lace up your cleats tight this week kickBall So Hard... Try and make Jay-Z proud.


And remember: 
If you are UNAFRAID, you are UNINFORMED.

All our love-THE O.K.C.

Hoof Hearted?

Hello. Hoof hearted? checking in again.

Things have been slow here. Remarkably slow. We have done no kicking of balls, and we have done little imbibing. We are still living in the glory of our singular victory, but we have very little else to report. We play Kicktease tomorrow, and based on our inexperience within this league, we are largely indifferent to this fact. So to you, Kicktease. A warning…

We're gonna skate to one song and one song only.

(Because we ) fart so hard muhfuckas wanna fine me. (I repeat) We fart so hard muhfuckas wanna fine me. But first kicktease gotta find me. What's 50 grand to a muhfuka like me, can you please remind me?

Fart so hard. (This shit crazy.) Y’all don't know that don't shit phase me… Kick Tease could go 0-82 and I look at you like this shit gravy.

 Fart so hard. (This shit weird) We ain't even supposed to be here… Fart so hard. Since we here, it's only right that we be fair. Psycho, we’re liable to be go Michael. Take your pick, Jackson, Tyson, Jordan, Game 6.

Fart so hard. (Got a broke clock.) Rolleys that don't tick tok. Audemars that losing time- hidden behind all these big rocks.

Fart so hard (I'm shocked too!) I'm supposed to be locked up too! If you escaped what I've escaped, you'd be in Paris getting fucked up too.

Fart so hard. (Let's get faded?) Le Meurice for like 6 days… Gold bottles, scold models, Spillin' Ace on my sick J's.

Fart so hard. (Bitch, behave!) Just might let you meet Ye- Chi towns D. Rose. I'm movin' Kick Tease to BK….

I repeat… Fart so hard kicktease wanna fine me. That shit cray (x6)

Kick tease said, “Ye can we get married at the mall?” We said, “Look you need to crawl 'fore you fart. Come and meet me in the bathroom stall, and show me why you deserve to have it all…”

Fart so hard. (That shit cray.) Ain't it Jay?

Fart so hard… What she order?! … Ah, fish filet.

Fart so hard! (Your whip so cold) this old thing?

Fart so hard. Act like you'll ever be around muhfuckas like this again.

Kick tease girl, grab her hand. Fuck that bitch she don't wanna dance. Excuse my French, but I'm in France… (I'm just sayin)Kick Tease ain't do it right if you ask me, cause if I was him 

I would have married Tacos and DD’s.

What's Gucci, my nigga? What's Louie, my killa? What's drugs, Kick teasa? What's that jacket, Margiela? Doctors say I'm the illest, cause I'm suffering from realness. Got my gas-x in Paris, and they going gorillas, huh!

(“…Um… I don't even know what this means…?"

No one knows what it means but its provocative…!"

"No it's not..."

"It gets kickballers GOING…!")

Anyway…

Fart so hard Kicktease wanna fine me..

You are now watching the **throne. Don't let me get in my zone… These other ballers is lyin’. Actin' like the season ain't mine.


I got that hot fart in my home. You know how many hot farts I own? Don't let me get in my zone…

The farts is in the building; they hands is to the ceiling. We know we bout to kill it. (How you know?) I got that ***feeling…

We’re definitely in our zone…

(** toilet.

*** gas)

Good talk. See you out there.

Pink Tacos

Pink Taco’s: 1-2-3 EAT IT!

Now I know that almost every one of us kickball players are quite disappointed that we have had two full weeks off.  The only two teams who I see no disappointment from are The Stepdads and Thunder Thighs.  Their reasoning being that they are excited that they avoided being embarrassed by us.

This week we are scheduled to take down the Jack Booty Thugs.  We are looking forward to beating up on one of the oldest teams in the league!  I’m not talking old as in been around the block, I literally mean old.  The combined ages of the team have to be over 1000.  We do want to make sure that the Jack Booty Thugs have plenty of space for their walkers and oxygen tanks.  The Pink Tacos don’t want to get in trouble for ageism!  Don’t forget to stop by for jello shots after the butt kicking.  Our Co-Captain prides herself on her delicious jello shot making skills.

Apache Master and Alyssa Southwell

Editorial note: I wanted to make sure I wasn’t too mean to Jack Booty Thugs today (which is Greg Seal’s team) because we would still like to get service when we visit Grandad’s after the game.  We do notice talent when it comes to partying, and if there is any team on the OK Capital league that can keep up with The Pink Tacos, its Jack Booty Thugs.