Hoof Hearted?

As a new and relatively haphazardly-formed team, Hoof Hearted? surprised even ourselves with our 3-2 victory over Thunder Thighs last week. We attribute this victory to the following things.

1.       Jamie Robison’s leadership and captaining ability. Jamie is a team player in every way (Read: in sharing beer and in setting a lineup), and he is abnormally encouraging to his ragtag group of misfits as we try to understand the rules of kickball.

2.       Serge Ibaka’s… er… penis. We had a team glimpse at Serge’s package before the game, and I do believe it encouraged us all to be BIGGER and blacker better. (Editor’s note: Tatianna wrote this and she is approx. 1/16 African American, so it’s ok….p.p.s. check The Lost Ogle if you have not already sneaked a peek at this pecker. It will make you walk funny just looking at it.)

3.       Dylan Davis kicked an impressive homerun that made our hearts and his testicles grow 3 whole sizes.

4.       We snuck in wine. I believe the proper term here is “sneaked,” but I hope that doesn’t distract you from the glory of the large glass jug which was creatively concealed in portions via a number of smaller receptacles.

5.       Turns out that what the girls bring in attractiveness, they also bring in skill and enthusiasm. While this is slightly exaggerated and we were just as shocked as you are about this fact, we hope that you will give Hoof Hearted? a test run in this arena as we are very self-impressed with our prowess and brawn.

We heard a rumor that we play “…And Looking to Score” this week, and the commissioner tells me that they have never lost a game. Like ever. While the detailed points listed above insinuate that the players on the gold team possess some level of confidence in our game, I assure you that we, in fact, hold alternative standards of success when playing teams with such high level of skill. For example, a few of us now hope to drink enough to lose feeling in one or all of our limbs. Alternatively, a few others of us hope to bunt. That’s all really. We just hope to learn how to do things like step up to the plate and actually strategize where our kicks may land.

Most of all, we hope that every time we chant “Hoof Hearted?,” at least a few of you will turn around and sniff the air with curiosity. Therein is where our legacy lies. 

Smooches,

Hoof Hearted?